You’ve got to communicate great to be a good mate. Just because you’re talking doesn’t mean you’re communicating well. Some communication stinks like last month’s meatloaf or sour milk lost under the car seat. Couch potato communicators think they communicate fine but they miss the magic of great communication. What about you? Are you a lazy communicator?
You’re a lazy communicator if:
You communicate via technology only.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate. Texting makes the other person guess the tone and emotion of your message. If communication with your spouse consists primarily of texts and emojis you’re in trouble.
Stop hiding behind your phone and talk with your spouse face to face. Stop using technology as a crutch and seek real in person connection.
You communicate about logistics only.
“When is my dentist appointment?” “did you feed the dog?” “don’t forget to buy a birthday card.” Logistics are the basic tasks of daily life. Talking about logistics is important but shallow. Only lazy communicators stay stuck in surface level talk in marriage.
Ask more meaningful questions to boost your communication and connection.
You’re careless with tone.
Words matter but the tone you use to say them communicates over 90% of their meaning. For example lazy communicators say things like “Sure those smelly sweatpants look great on you, I love that poor hygiene look.” Sarcasm when arguing with your spouse is a super lazy way to communicate.
It’s fine to be silly and sarcastic with your spouse but don’t be lazy with your tone. If you’re always sarcastic and then you tell your wife “I love you” she’s not going to take you seriously and that’s a problem for your marriage. The same goes for an angry tone. If you spouse asks you “are you mad at me?” fairly often, you probably have an angry tone habit. Adjust your tone to communicate love.
You talk over others.
Talking without listening is just noise. Your ears can’t work while your mouth is moving. It’s obvious you’re too lazy to listen when you interrupt and talk over others.
Quiet down, slow down and really listen to your spouse for once.
You criticize.
No one likes internet trolls who boldly criticize anything simply for the sick pleasure of it. Criticism is cowardly way to communicate. Only the laziest take a hammer to dirty dishes to avoid the work of washing them.
You may need to ask your spouse to clarify if you’re unknowingly critical of them. Exchange criticism in your communication for affirmation. Check out these posts for practical ways to affirm your love for your spouse: The 5 Affirmations Every Wife Should Hear from Their Husband Every Day and 6 Affirmations Every Guy Wants to Hear from Their Wife.
You lie.
Lying for any reason is deadly for relationships. Some people justify lying by saying they’re reducing conflict. Skipping a shower for a month will reduce water usage but your spouse will lose respect for you. Avoiding conflict by lying never works in the long run. See my post 6 Exciting Reasons to Lie to Your Spouse.
The solution to lying sounds simple, always be honest. But we all know couples who are brutally honest with each other and it’s just brutal. You must pair honesty with love for relationships to thrive.
You call people names.
Name calling shows contempt. It may work for presidential campaigns but it never works in marriage. We’re not talking about cute pet names couples use for each other. Calling your wife “babe” or “sweetheart” is not usually a problem if they like it. Calling your spouse curse words or even “stupid” or “ugly crier” is lazy and hurtful.
Your words are powerful and names contain elements of identity. Rather than identifying your spouse with a derogatory term use empowering words to speak to their identity. Tell your husband “you are an amazing husband” often and he’ll believe it’s true about him. Behavior is a reflection of identity.
You yell to make your point.
When I traveled overseas I attempted to communicate with people who didn’t fully understand English. I found myself talking louder and louder. It didn’t help. I didn’t need to communicate louder; I needed to communicate in a way they could understand. Increasing your volume never makes you sound smarter.
Notice your volume when you talk to your spouse. Rate your volume on a scale of 1-10. One being a whisper, and ten being yelling at a Seahawks game loud. If all of your communication is above a 6 you’re a lazy communicator. Take down the volume and you’ll find your spouse (and children) respond much better to you.
What’s your lazy communication habit? How will you change it this week to connect better with your spouse?